Wednesday, 26 November 2014

Things Not To Do in 2015

I have a lovely new blank diary ready to be filled.  However there are certain things that I will NOT be doing in 2015.

I WILL NOT;
  • bungee jump
  • eat prawns
  • go on a cruise
  • go on a balloon ride
  • go scuba diving
  • have root canal treatment
Is there anything you will not be doing  (through choice) in 2015?

Monday, 24 November 2014

Riding the Storm

I recognise that I am going through a difficult patch at the moment as many people are/do.  Sometimes I just feel like wallowing in a pity pit of despair as I go round and round in circles unable to make decisions, but there is a spark in me that is a fighter and today that spark was truly ignited.

At the weekend I informed the vineyard that I didn't feel able to continue volunteering there at the moment due to my current mindset and continuing coughs and colds and not knowing from one week to the next if I am able to attend the session or not.  A response I received from them today got me so angry and riled up, it confirmed to me that there is still life in the old cat yet! 

Now, I wasn't expecting them to beg me to stay but a few words to make me feel as though I was a valued member of the team would have been nice - I had been there since July 2011.  Instead I got a generic 'thank you for all your help' from admin and an 'exit' form to fill out.  AN EXIT FORM TO FILL OUT!!!  I am still fuming now.  This kind of insensitivity makes me now feel that my decision to leave was the correct one.  The exit form is an opportunity to leave feedback on the vineyard experience and I understand the usefulness in people saying why they wanted to leave but I think to send me an exit form less than two days after I informed them of my decision was too soon.  I am probably being over sensitive about this but a few kind words rather than an 'exit' form would have been appreciated and maybe even reversed my decision to leave.

Anyway,  I feel strangely invigorated by my indignation and ready to step forward with my one woman fight for all that I deem to be unjust!

Saturday, 22 November 2014

Feeling Lost

I have been feeling lost for such a long time now.  Apart from having my son I feel that my life has lacked purpose.  I walk a very lonely road that is void of friends and like-minded souls (apart from my blogging friends of course who add joy to my daily existence).

This week I have been thinking deeply.  Over the past few years I have neglected myself to the point that I hardly recognise the face in the mirror.  An old World weary face looks back at me and I look a lot older than the 51 years I have managed to clock up so far.  I think some TLC is in order and I am going to 'selfishly' start putting my needs before others.  A lifetime of 'compromising' has left me with little that I have truly wanted.  I know that it is good practice to compromise occasionally but not consistently.

My time at the vineyard has come to a close.  My volunteering there has lessened over the past year as I have struggled with coughs and colds and lacked the desire to weed and tend the vines.  I am just a number and there are many shoes willing to fill my space.  I thought the vineyard would offer me a connection to nature but once I got stuck into work I barely got to view the land around me.  I feel sad that I have decided to close this chapter but feel that my time there had outlived its purpose. 

This morning, on a whim, I picked up a pack of tarot cards from the bookshelf and randomly selected one.  The card I picked was 'The Pole Star'.  Here is a summary of the reading points for it:

The power of universal work is at lore here, either within the individual or permeating a web of circumstance that will bring profound change and new spiritual hope.  The Pole Star of prophetic guidance and inspirational knowledge has risen and will guide you on your forthcoming journey through the forest.  If you hold this ancient and basic truth near the core of your being and navigate by it you cannot go far wrong; it is there as a talisman as well as a symbol of the universal cycle of nature.  Whenever you are feeling lost in the dark labyrinth of life, remember that the same laws and primal matter that bind the Pole Star and fuel its giant heart also formed you.

I really needed to read those words today.  It seems that whatever journey I choose will be the 'right' one as long as I trust my instincts.

Monday, 17 November 2014

A Walk in the Park

In an attempt to keep a positive mental attitude and to prevent my body from turning into a blob of jelly I have been having daily walks around the local area.  My walk in the park today was not the most desirable of experiences what with people letting their dogs of their leashes to terrorise other smaller dogs, dubious looking characters using the outdoor gym and gulls screeching at an ear piercing pitch.  I hurriedly walked around the park avoiding the outdoor gym, flapping birds and dog walkers to the refuge of home.  I was hoping that a walk outside would give me some respite from the anxiety I was feeling but it seemed to make me even more nervous and on edge.

Things that wouldn't normally deserve comment become magnified when one senses they are losing control of certain situations.  There is very little in my life that I am able to control at the moment and no matter how much positive thinking I do, there is little I can do to change things until my circumstances change.  I am sorry to be cryptic here but the personal things going on in my life are probably better left unsaid.

* I am feeling much better today.  The sun is trying to peek through and I am well rested after a good night's sleep.  One day problems seem insurmountable and other days things don't matter quite so much so much.  I will be returning to the park later today. :-)

Thursday, 13 November 2014

Face

I sketched this face for my personal journal.  I don't know who she is.  I think she has sad eyes despite her upturned lips suggesting otherwise.

Monday, 10 November 2014

The Universe Does Listen?

I've been giving myself a hard time recently.  I really do not live up to my expectations.  There are so many areas of my life where I feel I have fell short and I now realise that there is no-one to blame but myself.  Often when I am at my lowest point, something will happen to help me change my thought process which so happened  this weekend when I listened to two motivational speakers on Super Soul Sunday on TLC.  The speakers were Bishop T D Jakes and Deepak Chopra.  I listened intently to what they were saying and really did feel uplifted at the end of the 'pep' talk.

The thing that stuck most in my mind from Bishop Jakes was 'you are where you are because of the thoughts you think' and from Deepak Chopra ' what the caterpillar thought was the end of the World was the birth of a butterfly'.

From now on I really am going to try and change my thought pattern.  It has taken years to build up a negative image of myself so I guess it will take time to start believing in my self worth.

As I have been writing this and leaning forward to read the writing on the screen (I am typing on a big old desktop computer)  the flame from the image of the candle has got increasingly hot forcing me to sit back.  How weird is that? Can you feel the heat from it too?!!!

* just in case people think I have finally 'lost it' I know that I can't really feel heat from the candle on the screen but it certainly warmed me up just looking at it!

Friday, 7 November 2014

Seven Day Journal Page Challenge

I've been taking part in the 7 background pages in 7 days workshop over at Jennibellie's Studio. 
Today is my sixth day.  The pages have been built up in the following way;

day 1 - stick down paper
day 2 - add paint (I used acrylic)
day 3 - add marker pens
day 4 - use stencils
day 5 - add collage items (I used reproduction Victorian  scraps)
day 6 - use rubber stamps
day 7 - still to be decided but I will probably use water colour pencils.

This challenge has taken me right away from my comfort zone using materials that I am not totally confident with. By day 2, I was dismayed at how the pages looked and by day 4 wanted to throw the whole lot away!  After I used the collage items it seemed to bring things back into balance for me again.  I have no idea what the plan for these background pages is as yet.  I am glad that I continued with the challenge and am quite pleased with my first proper attempt with mixed media.