Wednesday, 17 December 2014

An Update

I've been set up with a new computer.  Unfortunately I don't have the facility to upload photos at the moment, but hopefully will be able to by the end of the month.

I think I am beginning to understand why I have found blogging extra hard this year.  I find it difficult to talk about the minutiae of my life when this year particularly, has been horrid with the scale of atrocities that have been going on in the World.  I know that wicked things have always happened - but maybe the media are reporting it more or maybe I am just more enlightened?

Locally, the news has been very sobering too. In the past 16 days, 3 people have been murdered in separate incidents in the borough where I live.  When did it change that a verbal altercation would lead to being stabbed to death?  What has happened to tolerance and respect and regard for other human beings and their right to live?  It seems to me that some people have become fame hungry, selfish automatons.

A born worrier, I let thoughts of these sad events permeate throughout my mind and body.  My tears cannot change anything.

I am trying very hard to change how I react to things.  I have always been an avid follower of the news but think that maybe the time has come when I stop seeking out information and watching news bulletins.  No news is good news, eh?

In the new year I hope to immerse myself in my art and craft projects.  I have been getting in shape physically with my morning sit ups and daily walks.  Now I just need to get my mind in shape with creative pursuits. 

Each year I have a word to live by and focus on.  My word for 2015 is Serenity; the state of being calm, peaceful and untroubled.

Thursday, 11 December 2014


I am sorry that I have not been around much lately.  There are several reasons for this;

  • My dying computer does not come on every day.  Sometimes I imagine I hear the cogs turning in that old machine and other times its response is as dead as a dodo.
  • I have come to the realisation that my blog is open to anyone and everyone that chooses to read it.  This has made me feel very uncomfortable and wary of what I write.
  • I feel worn out and weary.
  • I've run out of words.

Friday, 28 November 2014

Angel Aura

I have bought these angel aura quartz crystal beads to make an every day bracelet.  They are 8mm rounds which are my favourite size of bead to use.  Interestingly (to me) they are lab created and pyroelectrically bonded with metals.  I am hoping that their rainbow hues will lift my spirits and give me something pretty to focus on each day. 

Wednesday, 26 November 2014

Things Not To Do in 2015

I have a lovely new blank diary ready to be filled.  However there are certain things that I will NOT be doing in 2015.

  • bungee jump
  • eat prawns
  • go on a cruise
  • go on a balloon ride
  • go scuba diving
  • have root canal treatment
Is there anything you will not be doing  (through choice) in 2015?

Monday, 24 November 2014

Riding the Storm

I recognise that I am going through a difficult patch at the moment as many people are/do.  Sometimes I just feel like wallowing in a pity pit of despair as I go round and round in circles unable to make decisions, but there is a spark in me that is a fighter and today that spark was truly ignited.

At the weekend I informed the vineyard that I didn't feel able to continue volunteering there at the moment due to my current mindset and continuing coughs and colds and not knowing from one week to the next if I am able to attend the session or not.  A response I received from them today got me so angry and riled up, it confirmed to me that there is still life in the old cat yet! 

Now, I wasn't expecting them to beg me to stay but a few words to make me feel as though I was a valued member of the team would have been nice - I had been there since July 2011.  Instead I got a generic 'thank you for all your help' from admin and an 'exit' form to fill out.  AN EXIT FORM TO FILL OUT!!!  I am still fuming now.  This kind of insensitivity makes me now feel that my decision to leave was the correct one.  The exit form is an opportunity to leave feedback on the vineyard experience and I understand the usefulness in people saying why they wanted to leave but I think to send me an exit form less than two days after I informed them of my decision was too soon.  I am probably being over sensitive about this but a few kind words rather than an 'exit' form would have been appreciated and maybe even reversed my decision to leave.

Anyway,  I feel strangely invigorated by my indignation and ready to step forward with my one woman fight for all that I deem to be unjust!

Saturday, 22 November 2014

Feeling Lost

I have been feeling lost for such a long time now.  Apart from having my son I feel that my life has lacked purpose.  I walk a very lonely road that is void of friends and like-minded souls (apart from my blogging friends of course who add joy to my daily existence).

This week I have been thinking deeply.  Over the past few years I have neglected myself to the point that I hardly recognise the face in the mirror.  An old World weary face looks back at me and I look a lot older than the 51 years I have managed to clock up so far.  I think some TLC is in order and I am going to 'selfishly' start putting my needs before others.  A lifetime of 'compromising' has left me with little that I have truly wanted.  I know that it is good practice to compromise occasionally but not consistently.

My time at the vineyard has come to a close.  My volunteering there has lessened over the past year as I have struggled with coughs and colds and lacked the desire to weed and tend the vines.  I am just a number and there are many shoes willing to fill my space.  I thought the vineyard would offer me a connection to nature but once I got stuck into work I barely got to view the land around me.  I feel sad that I have decided to close this chapter but feel that my time there had outlived its purpose. 

This morning, on a whim, I picked up a pack of tarot cards from the bookshelf and randomly selected one.  The card I picked was 'The Pole Star'.  Here is a summary of the reading points for it:

The power of universal work is at lore here, either within the individual or permeating a web of circumstance that will bring profound change and new spiritual hope.  The Pole Star of prophetic guidance and inspirational knowledge has risen and will guide you on your forthcoming journey through the forest.  If you hold this ancient and basic truth near the core of your being and navigate by it you cannot go far wrong; it is there as a talisman as well as a symbol of the universal cycle of nature.  Whenever you are feeling lost in the dark labyrinth of life, remember that the same laws and primal matter that bind the Pole Star and fuel its giant heart also formed you.

I really needed to read those words today.  It seems that whatever journey I choose will be the 'right' one as long as I trust my instincts.

Monday, 17 November 2014

A Walk in the Park

In an attempt to keep a positive mental attitude and to prevent my body from turning into a blob of jelly I have been having daily walks around the local area.  My walk in the park today was not the most desirable of experiences what with people letting their dogs of their leashes to terrorise other smaller dogs, dubious looking characters using the outdoor gym and gulls screeching at an ear piercing pitch.  I hurriedly walked around the park avoiding the outdoor gym, flapping birds and dog walkers to the refuge of home.  I was hoping that a walk outside would give me some respite from the anxiety I was feeling but it seemed to make me even more nervous and on edge.

Things that wouldn't normally deserve comment become magnified when one senses they are losing control of certain situations.  There is very little in my life that I am able to control at the moment and no matter how much positive thinking I do, there is little I can do to change things until my circumstances change.  I am sorry to be cryptic here but the personal things going on in my life are probably better left unsaid.

* I am feeling much better today.  The sun is trying to peek through and I am well rested after a good night's sleep.  One day problems seem insurmountable and other days things don't matter quite so much so much.  I will be returning to the park later today. :-)