Sunday, 21 May 2017

Thank You

Thank you to all my blogging friends for your kind and supportive comments on my previous posts.  The sun is shining today.  I feel much better.

Saturday, 20 May 2017

In the Pink

I don't feel in the pink at the moment.  In fact I am in a really foul black mood.  Tiredness, anxiety and mild depression and having been told to 'speed up' my work at my monthly appraisal, has brought out a side to me that I haven't experienced since being a teenager.  Thank God that I have my blog in which to express my feelings otherwise I don't know where I would turn.  Taking myself off for some retail therapy today I bought a small pot of scented roses.  I hope that the delicate hue and pleasing scent will help to soothe my soul. 
The sight of sticky, fondant covered doughnuts delighted my senses.  I don't even like filled doughnuts and really shouldn't be eating such things with my problem teeth and gums but I bought them anyway.  Once again, I was drawn in by the pink colour.

Something for the bedside table - The Ashes of London.  Hopefully reading this before I slumber will take away my dreaming of work.  London burning is preferable to dreaming of buttering and filling 240 rolls and baguettes each night.

Sunday, 14 May 2017


I don't handle stress very well.  I tend to over react when I feel 'threatened' and if I had to use fight or flight, I would take off like a bird!  Unfortunately I am not in a position to take off right now so I have to find coping mechanisms for dealing with being overwhelmed in certain situations.

Since I started my new job, almost a month ago, I have dreamt that I am at work every night.  There is no escape.  Even when I am at home my mind wanders to the job.  The lack of sleep and nightmares have started to have an impact on my health and I have developed lichen planus on my gums which the dentist informed me is a result of stress and there is no cure!!!  My gums are so painful, red and hot and in addition to stress the condition can be diet related.  When I told the dentist I had eaten rhubarb before this condition become apparent she said it was one of the worst foods I could eat!  I am also to avoid citrus fruit and spicy food.

Today I have treated myself to a magazine.  I am hoping that it will help to take my mind off things.  I will have a look at it before I go to sleep this evening.  I have a little gift of nasturtium seeds in a ceramic pot that I was given at Christmas.  I will plant them later and look forward to the first shoots popping up.

Saturday, 6 May 2017

Rhubarb Rhubarb Rhubarb

There is a neglected school allotment connected to where I work.  I have looked longingly across the gated enclosure at the produce left to fend for itself.  Once a project for the 'naughty kids' the plot has now been overtaken by nature and on the wild side of cultivation.  One particular type of produce is doing well in its neglect - the rhubarb is abundant unlike mine at home (see above) that is failing to thrive.
I asked my line manager if I could possibly pick some rhubarb to take home and make a crumble and pick some more for the school kitchen.  He was more than happy for me to do this and I spent a happy ten minutes harvesting the stems.  I disturbed a young fox and he scrambled away into the distance. 
I hope to spend more time at my 'secret' allotment garden.  No one else seems to bother with it.  It really is a haven among the chaos.

Thursday, 4 May 2017

Finding Time

My sketchbook has remained closed for a long time.  Today I found the time to open it up and do a simple drawing.  I had no plan of what to draw and used a flower shaped template to start me off and then coloured it in with pencils adding detail with micron pens.   It was a lovely meditation and the space I needed to relax my mind and bring me back to my old self again.

Monday, 1 May 2017

Just a Job

I feel I am climbing a mountain right now.  Having returned to work after more than 19 years a lot of old insecurities have been re-surfacing.  I am not ready to divulge what I do as a job other than to say it is in the service industry and completely different to the office based work I did before.  Part of me feels like I never left work but the other part of me says 'what have you done for the past two decades?'  The most difficult thing to get my head around is how quickly the years have passed.  I am sad for all the lost opportunities in my life and the fact that I couldn't find a way to make it on my own as self-employed.

I grieve for my old life.  I feel that part of me has died but on the upside I feel that part of me has been re-energised and reborn.  When I started my new job I wanted to throw it all in after two days.  I told my line manager that I couldn't hack it and wasn't sure if I would be back after the weekend.  I had been having sleepless nights even before starting the job, waking up every hour and dreaming about the job all the time in between.  My anxiety levels were through the roof with upset stomach, dry mouth, uncontrollable crying and a fear of going to bed being unable to sleep.

Two weeks on, I am settling down more in my job.  It is just a job.  I must keep repeating this mantra to myself.  I must learn to switch off when I am not there.  During my free time at home I have been watching YouTube videos for inspiration and insight and some of the messages on there came to me at just the right time.  Here is one such message from Travis Barton although I have not quoted it exactly as he said it:

'If I choose to do what is easy right now, life will continue to be difficult, but if I do what is difficult right now , life is going to be easy.'

On this occasion I have opted for the difficult option.  I could have easily chucked the job in but I would be back to square one again looking for employment.  The work is getting easier.  It is tiring and I often feel emotional as it is not how I ever envisioned my career path to go, but it is a job.  It is just a job and I am lucky to be back in employment after such a long break.

Saturday, 29 April 2017

I Miss You

Blog, I have missed you so.  Since returning to work I hardly have time to write, read or comment on blogs.  I hope this is a temporary state of affairs as blogging was so much a part of my life for almost a decade!  I just need to get set into a routine again and then I will be able to blog more frequently.

I hope my friends in the blogging World are well and I will catch up with you soon!